Learnings from Depression

How to lie still amidst a swarm of bees
it’s almost like a blanket sewn using chaos
yet, wrapped in it
I am thoughtless

How to live with a collapsed wind pipe
It’s nauseating most of the times
two fingers, I want to push them into my throat
I want to scream, therein stay silent
Peace of mind learnt from a tumultuous one

How to differ between flesh and bones
I see faces, I see shades
I read between the scars and the droopy eyes
I know the smirk from the smile
I can tell
I can tell the hope from the devoid

How to layer cream over dark chocolate
an art is learnt during depression
the art of concealment
It’s the best chocolate that I could ever present

How to wish for a rope in the room of requirement and get nothing
the room of requirement- wish for a thing, you’ll find it laid in front of you
a world of requirement- wish for a thing, you’ll find it dead in front of you
It is merely existent

How to fall out of love
I can shuffle moods
you’ll see me laugh, a blink and you’ll see me cry
you’ll find love in my heart; a beat skipped and there sprouts hate

How to nag people
I need to know
I want to know, all this interconnected jibber-jabber
I want to make sense out of you, and to know that I was right
I was right that there something wrong with your heart

How to be impolitely polite
it’s heartbreaking
to see that look with such deep concern, and how I disregard it
I choke back my love for them, just to let them stay away from me
stay away from the beacon of death

How to express without an expression
My mouth utters words of consolation
yet, my face is as plain as a blank sheet of paper
white and translucent

How to weave stories out of broken sentences
I feel extremely crushed, at all times
There are chills rushing up and down my spine likely to a relay race
I try, my best, to join words and make them fragrant
Just to make people stop talking

How to stop and listen
I won’t listen to your giggles
neither will I indulge in your gossip
I’ll ask you your story
I won’t listen to your story
I’ll listen to the emotions behind it
I’ll make them a part of mine

How to start a domino effect
A huge brick comes clashing down when I finally tell someone that I’m depressed
the story goes round and round
bricks falling, dust everywhere
everyone knows, something else

How to scream so loud that you lose your voice, in actuality
no one understands
mental health is anything but important
there’s taunts and home remedies
and the sense that “this happened with me too”
but no one gets it, until you pull their face up close to yours
and scream like a dragon spewing fire
blood spatters mixed with saliva, and hopelessness

How to turn a 7 cm pencil to a 2cm one
I feel like Pi from The Life of Pi
the lead in my HB pencil gets misused everyday

How to crush hopes and make a destiny out of the shattered bits
I know reality
I know things, I know maturity
So I step on my hopes, yet make something out of the leftovers
I’m happy with the leftovers

How to scare yourself
As I confess about it
about my disease
I’m as scared as the child who loses his mother
I gulp it down
I get angry with myself.

How to listen to the voices in your head, variant
I start talking inside my head
deciding what’s wrong and what’s right
not realizing that I’m not in a state to

How to make a cage out of your body
I keep away from people, at times
I jail my emotions, if there are any
I just don’t want to feel responsible
for another shiver of sadness passing through everyone I know

How to wet a piece of paper with solely, your eyes
I just did.

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